Just A Load Of Stuff
by QuiteTheScreamer
Summary: A bunch of entries from River's diary of all the times with her wonderful mad man. Spoilers for all episodes so far aired. Quite a bit of innuendo and references to sexy stuff but definitely nothing explicit. Bit of language.
1. Really Hate You Sometimes

**Very Very Very Not Good**

'River, please?'

'Nope'

'Please? Because you love me?'

'Love has nothing to do with it, sweetie. The answer is no.'

The Doctor sighed and flopped against the console. Why did she insist on having the stabilisers on?

'But I thought you liked it rough?' oh. Oh no. That had very definitely not not not come out right. And Rory was standing there with a sword. And Amy had her arms folded. And River was… smirking. Very very very not good.

'Well sweetie, you would know' oh god. She was looking right at him. And smirking. She knew exactly how to embarrass him and… distract him at the same time. Rory definitely did _not_look happy. Great, bloody great. It wasn't even his fault, it was that bloody woman! He decided to ignore the angry look on Rory's face and the twitching movements his hand was making to his sword.

'You're not even flying it right! You're being way too aggressive!'

'Oh I'm being aggressive? I actually fly her properly, the way you're supposed to, the way she likes to be flown! That's why she actually goes where I want her to when I fly! You should know how she wants to be flown!' her smirk had disappeared and she was glaring at him. He shook his head

'Take that lever for example- you need patience, you're just jerking it!' he gestured wildly at said lever and the smirk crept back onto her face. Oh no, what had he said to give her ammunition?

'Oh I'm sorry sweetie, I thought you liked it when I jerk it' she said innocently enough but gave him a wink that would make a Weeping Angel blush. It made him blush furiously and he turned to look at Rory, who had also gone bright red, but with what the Doctor suspected was extreme fury. He really did not look happy. And Amy obviously had no sense of humour, she was looking nearly as annoyed.

'Erm… erm.. erm… what was I saying?' he stuttered, getting more flustered by the minute as the Ponds stood glaring at him and their daughter lounged on the console, giving him a rather good view of her chest which he was desperately trying not to look at. He was caught between two rather scary alternatives- an angry centurion with a sword whose daughter was filling the conversation with little details about her sex life that he was getting blamed for… or River. He gulped. River smiled dangerously.

'You were talking about me being too aggressive. Actually I'm not too keen on the criticism, so I'm just going to slink off to bed. Don't leave me lonely, will you?' she blew him a kiss, waved to her parents innocently and swaggered out of the room, swinging her hips. Oh great. He really hated her sometimes.


	2. Which Is More Annoying?

**Which is More Annoying?**

_**I'm not quite sure if this is going to work but I thought I might as well give it a try. I love Jack and I love River and I just thought how cool it would be if they came together. It's a bit unrealistic with the Jack thing cos I think he'd be a bit more angsty about Children Of The earth but I thought that would be too hard to write, so its pre-Children of Earth Jack. By the way I obviously don't own these guys, much as I would like to.**_

Bars weren't the Doctors favourite places. Too dark and secretive and too many drunk people. And too much chance of River getting drunk, which he really didn't like. She was always a bit scary when she was drunk. She was coming back over now, with a drink in her hand. He was supposed to be looking after her but he realised that he wasn't doing a very good job.

'Sweetie, what are you looking so scared for?' she purred, reaching where he was sat and sitting down opposite him. At least she wasn't so drunk she was sitting on his lap.

'Scared? I'm not scared. Just thinking' he said, sitting back in his seat slightly so she didn't get too close. She tended to get a bit… handsy when she was drunk. Not that he really minded that when she was sober but she got a bit fierce sometimes. He would never ever admit that he, the Oncoming Storm, could be intimidated by a human woman but he sort of was. She wasn't a normal woman, he comforted himself with that.

'What about?' she leant forward as he leant back so the distance between them stayed the same but she was definitely too close for comfort.

'Just some stuff. You know, things. And stuff. And… you know, things' oh no. The effect she was having on him was affecting his speech. Again. He was stuttering, rambling on, repeating the same words. He was getting really flustered and she was clouding his head over. Suddenly he felt a hand clasp on his shoulder from behind and he turned around, expecting to see some sort of alien pointing a gun or something at him. Instead-

'Doctor! My god, its good to see you!' he was being hugged tightly by a man with a very familiar face and a very familiar American drawl.

'Jack! What are you doing here?' he was struggling to breather from the tightness of the ex-Time Agent's hug but he was thankful for anything to get him less close to River and he was actually quite happy to see his old friend.

'It's a regular haunt of mine' the captain released him and shrugged, stood in his usual swaggering manner 'Where've you been? I have been trying to find you but no luck'

'You know, time and space, all that sort of thing. You still at Torchwood?' the Doctor stood smiling at his old friend, a reminder of his previous self.

'Yep, everything's great! Pretty much just as you left me' Jack beamed at him. A throat-clearing came from behind the Doctor and his heart sank. Oh good god. River and Jack. Drunk River and possibly drunk Jack. He could predict how this was going to go.

'Oh I'm sorry, who's your friend?' Jack smiled that familiar smile, despite not really being able to see River in the darkness 'Its very nice to- oh' Jack's smile faltered slightly but he plastered it back on his face 'Doctor Song'

'Captain Harkness' River leaned forward across the table, smiling extremely smugly. Why didn't he know this was going to happen? This was really not going to be good.

'Lovely to see you again' Jack's smile was echoing River's as he looked across at her, apparently not registering the Doctor anymore.

'Yes, I expect it is, honey' River crossed her legs, sipping her drink innocently

'Thanks by the way for what happened last time we met. Leaving me handcuffed naked to a fence in New New York' Jack's smile didn't leave his face but his tone sounded slightly annoyed. His remark only made River's smile widen and she laughed slightly

'I am sorry about that honey. Nothing personal, you had something I wanted' she tapped the Vortex Manipulator on her arm. The Doctor looked at her incredulously. She really was shameless. She smiled at him innocently 'You never told me you knew the wonderful Captain Harkness, sweetie'

'Well, you never mentioned him either, _sweetie'_ he put the sarcastic emphasis on the last word, glaring at her slightly. Bloody Jack. Bloody River. Why was this annoying him so much? He wasn't jealous… was he? What of? Its not like him and River were a thing. He didn't do things. He was a Time Lord, she was a human. And a very irritating and bossy one, who thought she was very clever. Who was very clever, which was even more annoying. She smiled at him, not even slightly ruffled by his annoyance.

'Well, I tend to live for the moment, my love. You're the one who can't let things go' she smirked at him knowingly. Jack was watching their banter, with an amused smile.

'Why am I not surprised that you would wind up with him, Doctor Song? You do always get exactly what you want after all and you tend to venture towards the immortal men' he winked at her and she threw back her head and laughed

'Well, I am of course here entirely against his will and he is desperate to get rid of me' she shrugged and then laid her hand on the Doctor's shoulder, tickling his neck slightly. He sighed and gave her a look that clearly meant 'stop it' but she smiled innocently at him 'Do join us Jack. I was just going to get another drink' River stood up and swaggered off towards the bar, with Jack watching her appreciatively. The Doctor sighed. This was going to be a long night.


	3. Sorry To Barge In

**Sorry To Barge In**

_**This one is a bit more sexual than the others but nothing explicit, mostly just implied, so if you don't want to read anything like that, don't read this one :P I'm not quite sure when this is but after AGMGTW. Once again, these guys are not mine. If they were, I would have shaved Alex Kingston's head and made a wig for myself. How great is that hair.**_

He was a bit nervous about going to see River. Usually he only went when she called, when there was danger. But he hadn't seen her in a while and if he was going to be truthful to himself, he missed her. She was very annoying and everything, but it wasn't quite the same when she wasn't there. He hadn't brought Amy and Rory along because they were still getting over the whole daughter thing and Amy wasn't too pleased about it. Scary Scotswoman.

He'd come to see River at her house, which was also worrying him a bit. What if she was busy, or didn't want to see him? Or what if the last time she saw him, he'd done something wrong? That happened too often for his liking, getting slaps for stuff that's not his fault yet. Or what if he was too early? He shook his head, trying to clear his mind and focus on the job in hand. He'd landed on the grass in her back garden and he swaggered out, looking forward to seeing her again now his mind was slightly less clouded. He could hear music coming from the house and one of her windows was open. There was laughter floating through it- hers and… a man's. His face fell. It wasn't as though they were exactly, you know, doing anything but he'd always sort of assumed… oh well, never mind. He turned around and was making his way back to the Tardis when he heard something that made his blood flow freeze for a moment. A seductive little laugh came from the open window and he could hear the male voice muttering. He heard River gasp and she started making low moaning noises of pleasure, coming from the back of her throat. Before he knew what was happening the jealousy was filling his head and clouding over his brain. He made a noise of anger and picked up a rock, throwing it at the Tardis, who made a disapproving humming noise. This immediately calmed him down and he stroked the Tardis gently.

'I'm sorry, old girl. It's just… I lost control for a minute' he held his head in his hands and the Tardis hummed again, sounding more sympathetic. Suddenly he heard a door open and he quickly spun round. River was standing at the open door in just a dressing gown, her arms folded.

'Doctor? What are you doing here?' she looked amused and slightly confused, glancing back into the house.

'I was just… Just came to see how you're doing, but you're obviously… busy' he flailed his arms around, blushing slightly. She raised her eyebrows slightly

'Yes, I am. That's very unlike you, coming for no reason' she was walking towards him, down the garden path, stepping carefully in her bare feet. The sight of her legs, bare in her dressing gown, was distracting him but he raised his gaze back up to her face.

'Yeah well, I hadn't seen you in a while so I wondered if something was up. I'll just be off' he gestured vaguely behind his shoulder which made River raise her eyebrows even higher.

'Was it you that made that rather loud bang, sweetie?' she was a little too close for comfort now and she was most definitely not wearing enough clothing. He shrugged and nodded, looking back at the Tardis. She followed his gaze and saw the dent and mark on the Tardis that was already receding.

'Why did you do that?' she was looking concerned and she gently touched his shoulder but he hastily brushed her off. He looked down at the floor, not wanting to meet her eyes.

He mumbled something incoherent '… jealous…' and folded his arms defensively. Much to his surprise, River threw back her head and laughed hard, doubling over. He looked at her angrily. Why was that so funny? She'd certainly given enough hints in the direction of her doing whatever she'd been doing in that house, with him and recently he'd sort of… warmed to the idea.

'Oh sweetie, you do make for good entertainment' she could barely breathe she was laughing so hard, tears streaming down her cheeks.

'What? I don't get what's so funny about me being slightly jealous of you sleeping with someone while I've come to see you just to see if you're alright?' he turned away and started striding angrily away towards the Tardis. She ran after him and spun him round.

'Oh you are an idiot' she shook her head, her eyes sparkling with amusement and affection 'Sweetie, who do you think it is in there?'

'How am I supposed to know who you're shagging?' he shouted angrily at her. Her expression didn't change, she just raised her eyebrows even higher. To his surprise, she smiled softly at him

'You, silly boy' she said. He blinked and his expression faltered.

'Wha.. Wh.. What? Me? What?' he stuttered. She smiled, her usual knowing expression back on her face.

'Yes. I'd better get back, you don't like to be kept waiting sweetie' she smirked and kissed him quickly and passionately, setting his insides on fire before walking back to her front door, turning around and giving him a cheeky wave then going back in and shutting the door behind her. He was still stood there speechless, his stomach still burning from her kiss, his head still reeling from her revelation. He stood there for at least ten minutes before grinning and swaggering back to the Tardis, whistling.


	4. Hey Old Friend

**Hey Old Friend, Aren't We Unique**

_**This idea is a bit out on a limb but I had a dream about it and decided I really liked it. Completely unrealistic and everything but still quite nice. I don't own Doctor Who, obviously. Or there would be a lot more kissing of River and probably less fighting. Not that I don't enjoy the fighting, I love it but I go off on tangents sometimes. Like I'm doing now. Shhh. The title is based on the song 'Old Friends' from the Sondheim musical Merrily We Roll Along.**_

_**Basic summary- River is in the Library, about to hook herself up to the computer thing with 10**__**th**__** Doctor lying handcuffed on the floor. 11**__**th**__** Doctor has just met her as a young woman for the last time and he comes to see her before she dies.**_

_Hey, old friend_

_Are you okay, old friend?_

_What do you say, old friend_

_Are we or are we unique?_

_Time goes by, everything else keeps changing_

_You and I we get continued next week._

_Here's to us_

_Who's like us? Damn few_

She glanced over at the Doctor, passed out on the floor. Not her Doctor. She hadn't cried when he told her he didn't know who she was. It felt like a blast from one of her own guns had gone off in her chest and split her into millions of pieces but she hadn't cried. He'd nearly looked in the book, she'd been careless enough to leave it lying around. He hadn't known yet, she supposed, that he wasn't allowed. He was so young, his eyes were so young. Eyes that were absent of the love and warmth she was used to. She'd been right, when she told her father that time in America that it was going to kill her. Literally, now. Well, it was her decision and there was no way in hell she was going to let him do it, no matter how angry he was going to get. He was always bloody stubborn. She sighed and turned away to the computer, timing it for the end of the countdown.

'Hello, Doctor Song' the words froze her but she didn't turn back around.

'Hello, sweetie. Miss me?' she could hear her voice trembling even as she spoke. She turned around to face him and a lump rose in her throat. Her Doctor, standing there, in his bowtie and tweed jacket. Always the same, the lovely man 'shall we do diaries then?' he smiled.

'I've done everything, River. I've just met you for the last time' she could see the traces of tears that were still on his cheeks 'I know what you're feeling like. I'm so sorry about, you know, him' he jerked a thumb awkwardly at his sleeping tenth self. She laughed slightly

'That's alright sweetie. Come here' she smiled at him. It was her Doctor, the Doctor she'd fallen in love with, the Doctor that had dropped out of the sky when she was just a girl and whisked her away in his magical blue box. He walked towards her slowly and enveloped her in a massive hug, squeezing as tightly as the wiring around her would allow. Even though her eyes were filling with tears, she smiled through them at his familiar embrace.

'I love you' she whispered, resting her head against his shoulder 'I really do. I even love the you that I've handcuffed over there. I love everything about you' he replied only by kissing her deeply, holding her close as though his life depended on it.

'I love you too. I'm so sorry about what I used to be like, about not loving you from the moment I saw you. I should have. I shouldn't have been so suspicious, I should have trusted you. I should have recognised how wonderful you are' he kissed her head as she buried it in his shoulder.

'You really shouldn't be here, sweetie. Crossing your timeline, not safe. You know that' she smiled at him, gently stroking his hair.

'I needed to see you River. I understand now how you felt and I needed to apologise and tell you how much I love you' he cupped her face in his hands and looked intensely into her eyes.

'I love you too. This shouldn't be happening, us both being here, when we both know everything, remember everything' she hugged him round the middle and whispered 'but I'm so glad, so, so glad that you came to see me. But you're not persuading me to not do this, sweetie. It's a choice, my choice and this is what I'm doing' he broke away from the hug and stood looking at her, just looking at her, taking her in, his wonderful, beautiful wife.

'River Song, you are bloody wonderful. I'm not going to try and stop you because selfish as it may be, I don't want to erase those times, not a single one. I wouldn't ask you to go on living without me because it's going to be so hard for me to live without you and if there was any way I could save you properly I would. I love you River Song, I will never forget you and I'm so glad you came into my life' he kissed her gently 'We are special River. I think we can safely say there's never been a couple like us before and never will be again' he kissed her again but she pulled back.

'Thank you sweetie. Thank you for everything. Thank you for tipping my world upside down and turning my life around. I wouldn't change it, not a single moment and I don't regret anything. All the pain, all the heartbreak, all the hurt, even the hurt I felt when you didn't even know me, its worth it. It would have been worth it for one single day with you and I've had so much more. So much more than I deserve' she hugged him, clutching on to him tightly as if she would slip away if she let go. He rocked her gently, his face buried in the top of her head. They held each other tightly for what seemed like a lifetime but at the same time nowhere near long enough until she pulled her head back, eyes glistening with unshed tears.

'You'd better go, my love. You'll be waking up soon. Thank you for coming, you've given me strength' she looked at him with so much love it hurt him and he could only hope that it was reflected in his own eyes, that she could see what he was feeling. She kissed him gently and sat down in the chair surrounded by wires. He stood, simply looking at her for a minute and when his past sense started to stir he turned and stood on the back wall of room, watching.

'No, no no that's my job!' he heard his tenth incarnation say.

'Oh, and I'm not allowed to have a career, I suppose' his wife quipped. His wonderful, gorgeous wife. His mind slipped away for a minute, remembering everything he could about the fantastic River Song.

'River, you whispered my name in my ear. There's only one way I could tell anyone my name, only one time I could!' he was getting desperate, he remembered the anxiety, the guilt of letting this woman, who'd been a virtual stranger die for him. He felt so much worse now but he was so proud of her.

'Hush now. Spoilers' he looked away as the blinding light filled the room. A single tear slipped down his cheek as he walked away, back to the Tardis. He knew she was going to be saved, sort of. He knew he'd done everything he could for his beautiful River Song. He opened the door with a snap of his fingers. The Doctor in the Tardis; next stop, everywhere.


	5. A Losing Battle

_**I apologise for this one. It's quite angsty. It's also really very short because I wanted to update but I'm quite busy. The last couple have been but I'll try and write some more light-hearted ones next time. Love you guys. Thanks for all my reviews so far, they give me nice little butterflies in my stomach. The lyrics I have in this one are from a song my friend wrote but I thought it would fit the story I wanted. So I dedicate this to her. Love you Molly, even though you don't like Doctor Who.**_

_**The tears I've cried**_

_**The butterflies inside me when I saw you there**_

_**And shattered my world**_

_**The blood I shed**_

_**The time I spent, or should I say wasted**_

_**Never wanted to show jealousy so I'd hide**_

_**And you wouldn't see the ugly side of me**_

_**Sometimes it feels like I'm fighting a losing battle**_

'Just go! You're right, I don't want you here! You just show up and expect me to drop what I'm doing and do what you want me to! You're annoying and pushy and way too self-confident!' he yelled at her as he slammed the co-ordinates for Stormcage into the control system. She turned away then. She couldn't help it, didn't want to back down but knew she was going to cry. He was young, it wasn't his fault, she knew that. He didn't know all the things she'd done, they'd done. She had done so much for him and he'd always been so proud. She had sacrificed for him, sacrificed everything. Even her own parents. Tried to sacrifice her own life so many times, but he'd never let her. She had always assumed that that meant she'd already done it in his timeline. She loved him. Really loved him. So much it hurt, hurt all the time now. Now he didn't even trust her, let alone love her. She'd barely been in there ten minutes and their argument had already reached boiling point. She didn't even know where he was in their timeline. This could be nearer the end than she'd imagined. What if she only had this time left before… before she didn't even see hostility in his eyes, just cold, blank recognition. She brushed it to the back of her mind, even thinking about it broke her heart a little more.

'River?' his tone of voice was softer now and he put his hands on her shoulders 'I'm sorry. I didn't mean it. I do want you around, honest' he sounded like a small child and she couldn't help but smile slightly.

'It's alright, sweetie. I'm fine' she plastered a fake smile on her face and turned around to face him. River Song was always fine.


	6. A Nice Meal Out

'Come on sweetie, don't be such a baby' River rolled her eyes.

'I'm not. I just want chips' he folded his arms defensively. She shook her head and smiled at their waiter, who shrugged and walked away. They were in New New Beijing with Amy and Rory and the Doctor was insisting he just wanted chips, not Chinese food.

'We came here because Amy wanted to come to China, there was nothing said about eating disgusting food' he shook his head. River tutted.

'You're the most intelligent and cultured man in the universe but you won't eat Chinese food? Alright then' Amy frowned slightly at him as their food was delivered. River smiled brilliantly at their waiter and stage-whispered 'I'm so sorry about him. He has issues' the waiter smiled back at her and gave her a wink which made her smile widen as he walked away. Rory and the Doctor both glared after the man and River smirked slightly to herself, drawing a plate of rice towards her.

'Try some. Please, for me?' she batted her eyelashes at him and he rolled his eyes.

'Fine. Do you have a fork?' she shook her head and held out a pair of chopsticks to him to which he raised his eyebrows 'No way. I don't know how to use them' he shrugged.

'It's very simple sweetie. Let me demonstrate' she picked them up, twirling them around expertly and placing some rice in his mouth with them and he stared at her, incredibly turned on by this one simple action until he noticed Rory glaring at him now and he quickly swallowed and turned back, blushing slightly. Amy was staring at River, looking as though she was trying to figure her out.

'Problem?' her daughter smiled brightly back. The Ponds were still adjusting to the flirty blonde being their daughter and were sort of acting like she wasn't actually their daughter, apart from Rory glowering at the Doctor every time she kept flirting with him. Thank God he didn't know about all that….. other stuff. That they only did when the Ponds were very far out of sight. Very, very far.

'No. No problem' Amy shook her head, quickly looking away from River who smiled slightly. The Doctor squeezed her knee. It must be very difficult for her to have parents who didn't trust her and barely knew her. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) for him, River deliberately misunderstood the gesture and squeezed his knee back, trailing her hand up his thigh with an innocent expression on her face, eating her food with her other hand. He choked slightly and glanced guiltily over at Rory who looked questioningly at him.

'What's wrong, Doctor? Are you okay?' the Doctor nodded as River's hand crept further up his leg and the blush crept further up his face. He looked at her pleadingly and she fluttered her eyelashes innocently.

'What's wrong, my darling?' she looked into his eyes as she slid her hand up to the top of his thigh and he had to bite his lip to stop himself moaning.

'Nothing, I'm just not very hungry' he managed to get out without making any sort of embarrassing noises that she must know he was wanting to make. Bloody woman. Was she trying to get him killed? She slid her hand up slightly further and rested it there and he couldn't help but let out a gasp. The Ponds both looked at him, puzzled.

'Are you sure you're okay? I know you're not exactly normal at the best of times but you're being really weird' Amy looked slightly concerned and folded her arms at him, waiting for an answer. He opened his mouth to reply but at that exact moment, the naughty blonde sitting next to him made a gentle stroking motion with the hand that was under the table and instead of speaking he just squeaked.

'I'm.. I'm.. fine!' the hand under the table stroked a little firmer and he stood up abruptly.

'Sorry! I don't feel well, I'm going back to the Tardis' he managed to croak out, trying to glare at River but not quite succeeding as she smiled wickedly up at him. He walked away as fast as he could without running. He flung open the Tardis doors and flopped against the console sighing heavily. That woman! Sexy woman- no, don't get distracted! He was very angry with her and not at all turned on…

'Hello sweetie' he spun round. She was lounging against the doorframe in a very sexy position, smirking at him. He stalked towards her, pointing at her.

'River Song, that was not appropriate! We were sitting at the same table as your parents! If they'd realised what you were doing we'd have both been dead meat!' his words didn't shift the smirk from her face and she raised her eyebrows.

'Well sweetie, I don't take kindly to people telling me what I can and can't do. Besides, I'm a big girl and you, my love, are not a child. Despite the fact that you act like a 3 year old most of the time' she closed up the small gap between them and tapped him on the nose 'Besides, I was under the impression that you were enjoying it' she was drawing small circles on his chest with her fingertips and even though he knew she was trying to distract him- it was working. Before he knew what was happening, she'd turned him round so she was pressing him up against the doors of the Tardis and her kisses were persuading him far too well that he really had been enjoying it.

_**Please review or River will stab you with her chopsticks **_


	7. Best Birthday Ever

**Hiya guys This is my first chapter with younger River, please enjoy!**

The Doctor made his way across the crowded room, loud music blaring in his ears. If he'd landed her correctly this was River's 20th birthday party. It looked a bit… wild, but he supposed university life was always like this. He tried to shuffle over to a table where there was a lot of alcohol without being stepped on by any drunken students. Looking around the room for River, he felt a tap on his shoulder. Hoping that it wasn't some random drunk about to make an issue about his tweed and bowtie, he turned around.

'Hiya Doctor. What on earth are you doing here?' River was standing looking up at him with a slightly amused expression, clutching a wine glass.

'Its your birthday!' he grinned at her and stepped forward to give her a hug. He did notice though, she hadn't called him sweetie. It was very early days then.

She hugged him back briefly 'Yes, it is. I didn't expect to see you today, though. How did you know it was my birthday?' his face fell.

'We… we've never celebrated your birthday before?' she shook her head.

'No, why would we have?' she looked bemused 'Want a drink?' she turned to the drink-piled table and he let his face form a mask of impassiveness. They'd never celebrated her birthday. Every year they did something special for their birthdays, without fail. So they obviously weren't… together. His heart sank so low in his stomach he felt sick. He realised she was looking up at him expectantly.

'Oh drink- no thank you' he tried to smile but she seemed to realise something was wrong. She opened her mouth to speak but suddenly a man came up and wrapped his arms round River from behind.

'Hello gorgeous, you alright?' this unknown stranger kissed the top of River's head and she smiled, turning around to him. She kissed him on the lips and by the flash of fury that crossed the Doctor's face there could have been a full fleet of Daleks in the room.

'I'm fine. You on the other hand my love, are very drunk and don't need any more to drink' she smiled at the man and took his pint out of his hand and put it down on the table. She turned back round to the Doctor.

'Doctor, this is my boyfriend, Chris. Chris, this is the Doctor, he's my Mum and Dad's best friend' she smiled and Chris held out his hand to the Doctor who took it, giving him an icy glare.

'Hiya mate, nice to meet you' Chris didn't seem to notice the hostility of the Doctor and grinned widely at him.

'Yes. Nice to meet you too' the Doctor retained his glare. Chris started kissing River's neck and she swatted him away.

'Oi! There's a time and a place darling and this isn't it' she rolled her eyes affectionately.

'Why?' Chris pouted, keeping kissing her neck. The Doctor turned away, repulsed. This person, this boy had his hands all over his wife. Even if she wasn't his wife yet. If he was going to continue, there'd be trouble.

'Because I'm trying to have a conversation with a friend and you are absolutely hammered. Go on, shoo. Go and make a fool of yourself over there please' River spoke with the same authoritative tone she always used on him. The Doctor scowled at Chris's retreating figure and turned back to River.

'Well, it was nice of you to drop by, anyway' she smiled at him, but it wasn't the smile he was used to seeing 'I was worried for a minute you'd be bringing Mum and Dad! Dad would go all centurion and tell everyone to go home' she rolled her eyes 'Well, you can stay for a bit if you want. Mum's told me stories about your infamous dancing, I'm sure you could teach everyone here a thing or two' laughing, she walked away back to her friends. Wow. The Doctor had come to her birthday party. Maybe he was starting to think of her as more than Amy and Rory's daughter. Maybe he was starting to think of her as River Song and forgetting about Melody Pond. She'd been severely attracted to him since she was about 14 and given up throwing herself at him when she was about 16. She'd had a lot of boyfriends and had her heart broken once or twice, but she never forgot about the strange man in the bowtie.

A few hours later, or so the Doctor thought, he wasn't sure what with his newly invented cocktail filling most of his insides, after a lot of strenuous dancing, he saw River quickly walking across the room and going outside. Looking around, he decided to follow her. She was sitting on a bench out in a secluded little garden, looking lost.

'River?' she turned her head sharply.

'What? Oh… its you. What is it?' he came and sat down beside her on the bench. Her face looked far away as if she was thinking, or dreaming about something else.

'Its nothing, I just saw you leave and wondered if you were okay. You know, its your birthday and everything. Most people like to stay and enjoy their birthday parties. So I just wondered if you were okay. Yeah, that was all. Are you okay?' he'd started rambling and he knew it.

'Yeah, I'm fine. Just tired' it was so obvious that there was something wrong he unconsciously put his arm round her. She looked at him with surprise but leant her head on his shoulder anyway.

'You're sure? You look… unhappy' he gently patted the top of her head and she smiled slightly.

'Its just… I feel like there's something missing. But I have no idea what, I really don't. And I'm just not satisfied. I'm sure by this age most people's lives have started to develop, mine's not going anywhere. I'm sure I'm going to fail my degree, I've got a boyfriend who's a total pig, and I just feel like my life's already going wrong' she sighed. The Doctor took a deep breath and did something that he decided was either very stupid or very brave. He leant in and kissed her. She responded in shock for a minute and then kissed him back. This was finally happening. The Doctor was kissing her and she couldn't keep the smile off her face. When they broke apart, her head was spinning. They could have been kissing for hours, or maybe just seconds, she couldn't tell. Speech seemed to be failing her and she just sat and stared at him. The Doctor smiled.

'Happy birthday, River Song' he brushed his lips against hers one last time and got up, walking inside. Still, she couldn't talk and just sat in silence for a minute.

'Best birthday ever' she finally whispered to herself.

Inside, the Doctor wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. This was presumably his last kiss with his beautiful River Song, from the way she reacted. Although, he tried to comfort himself, there was always a chance that he would meet some future version of her, one that knew him completely, his wife. He sighed and crossed the room to go. On his way, he saw the man- no the boy that had been manhandling his River before. Making another decision that he wasn't sure about on the stupid-ometer, he walked over to him.

'Hey, Chris right?' the other man looked him up and down.

'Yeah, what's it to you, bowtie man?' he'd obviously been drinking a lot since the Doctor had last encountered him and his stance was defensive.

'Nothing. Just this' the Doctor promptly punched him hard in the face 'Keep your filthy hands off my wife!' Very pleased with himself, he walked away. Back to the Tardis. Only this time, without River Song.

_**If you review the Doctor won't punch you in the face **_


	8. Good Morning, Good Morning

**Hi guys :D I'm sorry I haven't updated in so long, I lost confidence in this story and then I've been so busy I just haven't had time. But I've got a few of these written so updates should be more regular now, fingers crossed! Hope you enjoy!**

**I'll explain at the end, so don't give me hate reviews before you've read my comments please :P**

**When the Doctor woke up, he knew he wasn't in his own bed. He didn't know however, whose bed he wa****s in but he didn't want to open his eyes and check, just in case. There could be some sort of evil alien creature he'd have to confront as soon as he woke up. Maybe he'd been kidnapped! There was a not totally unpleasant smell in the air; it was sort of… n****aughty. Sexy. He gulped. What if… but no. That just wasn't realistic. He didn't go around doing **_**that**_**. No way. That was way too human. Although it would explain why he wasn't in his own bed….. **

**Taking a deep breath, he decided to take the plunge and open his eyes. **

'**Hello sweetie' River Song was sitting up next to him, with a very big smirk on her face. The Doctor's stomach fluttered like a box full of butterflies. So he had… oh dear god. **

'**H…hello River' he tried to keep his voice steady and sound nonchalant. Even so, it was obvious that she saw right through him and her smirk grew even wider. **

'**How are you, darling? Tired? I know you certainly wore me out' she fluttered her eyelashes innocently, obviously enjoying his intense discomfort 'Or do you not remem****ber? You had an **_**awful**_** lot to drink'.**

'**I..I… I don't remember… at all' he shrugged slightly, his cheeks flushed red at her comments on his apparent energeticness. She grinned at him, leaning over slightly, the covers falling slightly and giving him an all t****oo good view of her chest, making his breath catch in his throat. She was **_**naked.**__**She had no clothes on. No clothes at all!**_** The thought distracted him entirely until he ****realised that neither was he. He was naked in a bed with River Song, who was also naked.**** Not what he'd expected when they went out the night before. River smiled to herself. True, it was not the way she'd ever imagined her last ever time with the Doctor to be, but it had certainly been a lot of fun. And his acute embarrassment was nearly as m****uch fun as the thing causing it. Bless him and his little baby face. Well, if he didn't remember, she was going to have a lot of fun reminding him. **

'**That's a shame, sweetie. We had a lot of fun. I don't know if I've ever seen you so drunk… or heard you shout so loud' her face was perfectly innocent but her tone of voice and her laugh were enough to make a fishwife blush. He himself blushed a brighter crimson than he'd thought even existed in the colour spectrum.**

'**Right. Well them. Right. Okay, I see. Right. Shouting. Drinking. All fun things. Right' he nodded, trying to smile and she shook her head, crawling towards him.**

'**You're adorable, you know that?' River practically purred at him, leaning up on her elbows. He swallowed, a lump in his throat.**

'**So I've been told' the Doctor made an attempt at bravado but it had obviously failed miserably as River laughed, able to see right through him.**

'**Oh really? Don't give me too much information sweetie, I'll get jealous' her laugh rang out in the relatively empty room and the sheet covering her was slipping slowly down her chest 'You know, if you really can't remember, maybe I should remind you' the smirk on her face grew even wider as she leant forward, resting her palms on his knees. The Doctor took a deep breath.**

'**Well, maybe you should' he managed a small smirk as the smell of her hair reached him. Maybe last night hadn't been so bad after all.**

_**Thanks for reading guys! All I wanted to say is that ideally in my head, the Doctor's first time with River would have been wonderful and romantic and everything, but this idea wouldn't get out of my head :P Anyone else buzzing but terrified for the Wedding Of River Song? I know I am. **_

_**Please review :D and prompts are very welcome **_____


	9. Bitch Fight

_Hey guysssss! Please enjoy. I know this sort of idea has been done before but I couldn't resist so please read and review! Much love, sweeties!_

_Obviously, I don't own River, The Doctor, Alex, Matt, the Tardis or anything DW related. Well, I have a pillow with some Weeping Angels on it. But yeah. Actually, I own a character in this one! *does happy dance* I named her after my best mate. But she's a bitch. The character, not my best friend. Anyway….._

'**Run! Come on!' the Doctor shouted for at least the trillionth time that day as he held out his hand to the young brunette standing stock still next to him 'Alicia, we don't have time for this! Come on!' Seeing no movement was coming from his latest companion he grabbed her hand and forcefully dragged her along with him, diving inside the Tardis just as the bomb at the other end of the corridor exploded. Slamming the door shut, he adjusted his bowtie and sighed. Alicia was great, a lot of fun but she wasn't quite an expert at the whole saving the world yet. He tried not to get impatient with her, it wasn't her fault that no-one could really live up to the Ponds. But he couldn't help missing Amy Pond and her long-suffering, eternally brave husband.**

'**I'm sorry. Really, I am, I just froze. I didn't know what to do, I was scared' Alicia was close to tears, looking much younger than her twenty three years. He walked over to her and kissed her on the forehead, like always.**

'**Alicia, its fine. I understand. This is all new to you, you're coping really well, actually. It takes people time to get used to the way I live. There's nothing wrong with being scared, it doesn't make you weak' he smiled kindly at her, trying to put reassurance into his voice and take any irritation out. She looked up at him with complete and utter trust and faith and it made his smile falter a little. He hated it when people looked at him like that; sooner or later it meant trouble.**

**About half an hour later, when Alicia was all cleaned up and calmed down, the Doctor felt a burning in his pocket and quickly flipped his psychic paper out. The message on it made him blush until his ears turn red.**

'**The things I do for that woman' he muttered, quickly pressing switches and flipping levers on the controls. Alicia looked up sharply.**

'**What woman? Where are we going?' she eyed him suspiciously. What woman was he talking about? He didn't have other women in his life surely… Maybe a clingy ex-girlfriend or something, she consoled herself. People couldn't help loving the Doctor.**

'**What? I didn't say anything about a woman' the Doctor smiled innocently at her as he continued to set the controls 'We're going for a very quick trip, just need to sort something out. You won't even have to step outside the Tardis, it'll all be very boring' not bloody likely, he thought to himself. His certain damsel in distress was definitely never boring. As he landed, he grinned excitedly to himself, leaping towards the doors. Alicia noticed his happy expression and quickly followed him. As he flung the doors open, he tripped over Alicia's feet and landed in a heap on the floor.**

'**Falling at my feet already, sweetie? We're not going to get very far today then, are we?' the Doctor looked up to see a very familiar smirk in place on a very familiar face. He scrambled to his feet, half ecstatic to see her, half embarrassed that he had indeed, fallen at her feet.**

'**Yeah well, believe me it wasn't intentional. Now, Doctor we should be going to find this thing you need to sort out' Alicia jumped to her feet, looking at River suspiciously. This strange woman was far too forward, flirting with a man she'd only just met. Besides, wasn't it obvious that she and the Doctor were together? Just in case this woman hadn't got the message, Alicia took his hand and tried to drag him away.**

'**Right, yes. River, this is Alicia. Alicia, this is River Song, also known as 'that thing I need to sort out' he shrugged awkwardly as River shook hands with a rather unwilling Alicia.**

'**What a charming introduction, sweetie' River rolled her eyes at the Doctor 'Honestly, he's so rude sometimes' she flashed Alicia a patronising smile.**

'**No, I don't think so, actually. I think he's pretty great. And I'm sorry, but who exactly are you?' Alicia glared back in response to the older woman's smile.**

'**River Song. He won't have mentioned me, he never does' she turned to the Doctor 'Actually honey, we sort of need to get going. There's some bullets going to be fired this way really rather soon and if my dress gets torn there'll be hell to pay' she made to enter the Tardis but Alicia blocked her way.**

'**Sorry, what do you think you're doing? You can't just come in here, you know. There are things in here that would absolutely blow your mind' she smirked at River, glad to have the upper hand over this know-it-all woman who treated the Doctor like a puppy. River rolled her eyes.**

'**You know sweetie, if you did mention me from time to time, it would save a lot of complications. Now dear' she directed her attention back to Alicia 'Don't you worry about my mind being blown because that hasn't happened in a long time. So if you'd be so kind as to let me in so I can go to my room and change and shower and get out of this hell hole, there won't be any trouble' she smiled dangerously sweetly at Alicia and forced her way past easily. Alicia was left gaping after her as the Doctor followed in tow, glancing apologetically at her. **

**River took her shoes off and hung them up above the console, typing co-ordinates into the controls. She flashed a smile at the Doctor.**

'**I'm going to change, sweetie' she blew him a kiss and slunk out of the room, swinging her hips. Alicia turned to the Doctor, glaring furiously.**

'**Who the hell is she? She just waltzed in here like she owns the place! You've never mentioned her before! And what was with the flirting? Just what the hell?' her voice raised til it was so loud he thought the ceiling would collapse. Backing away slightly, he raised his arms defensively.**

'**You know who it is, it's River, I introduced her' he tried to smile innocently but her glare became even fiercer. **

'**No. Why does she think she has the right to flirt and hang her shoes up on the console and use your bathroom and have clothes here, Doctor?' she took a step towards him.**

'**Oh well, she's my wife, so you know. Anyway, what do you want to do now? We'll have to drop River back off to prison and then we can do something exciting!' he paused, wondering if he'd slipped his marital status in subtly enough Alicia hadn't noticed. Judging from the look on her face and the way she was clenching her fists, he guessed not.**

'**Your what? Your wife? No, that can't be true Doctor, because you've made it clear that…. Doctor, I thought you loved me?' she looked like she was going to swing at him and he jumped back.**

'**Look, I'll just go and make you a nice cup of tea…' he ran out of the room towards the kitchen and exhaled with relief. Oh, thank god he'd got out of that awkward situati- oh no. He'd left Alicia and River alone together. Continuing his walk to the kitchen he decided that being grown women they could solve their disputes calmly. Or maybe have a bitch fight in the console room. Either way, it didn't take a genius like him to work out who was going to win.**


	10. A Nice Surprise

_**Hello, have you missed me? ;) I haven't updated this in so long, I'm sorry! I've been focused on my other fic, Looking Through My Window In Time, so please check that out. Anyway, this popped into my head today and I thought I'd better write it before it disappeared! It's a little rushed maybe, because I'm incredibly hyper after having a wonderful day yesterday, seeing Alex on the teaching awards and joining the SS. Kingston crew on Twitter XD My 'ship name' is Sailor Sonic Me and I laugh every time I type it :P ANYWAY-**_

_**This is a much later River/mid-timeish doctor. Basically, she's in an officey type thing, planning a dig with her archaeology team and he shows up to surprise her. She's out of prison and she's a professor. Please read, review and enjoy!**_

The Doctor was extremely nervous. The most nervous he remembered being in a long while. What if River didn't like his surprise? She was quite prone to slapping him and he really didn't want a slap today. As a matter of fact, what he really wanted was River. It had been so long since he'd seen her, he'd started seeing her curls and her curves every time he closed his eyes. And quite a lot of the time when his eyes were open too- it had led to a very embarrassing situation when he was visiting Richard the Third in the newly built Buckingham palace and couldn't get up from his chair because he'd seen a nude painting that reminded him far too much of his wife. So, because his propensity to sit thinking naughty thought about his wife was increasing by the minute, he'd decided to make a surprise visit. He knew she was planning a dig near the Egyptian Pyramids soon and even though she'd refused his offer to take her back and see them for real, he was proud of her. She was getting on without him. But he didn't get on so well without her. Briefly wondering about the possibilities of office sex, he pressed the buzzer outside her office block. Outside it looked ordinary but he knew that inside they had things well beyond the standards of 21st century technology. Most of River's team didn't quite understand why she'd brought them back, but he did. Even if she pretended she could go it alone, he knew that she couldn't last long without a visit to her parents. When nobody let him in, he sighed in frustration and sonicked the door open, walking through the building as though he owned the place. Reaching the desk where River's receptionist was sat chewing on her nails, he gave her a bright smile.

'Hello!' the assistant looked up at him with a raised eyebrow 'Hello…' he peered closer at her nametag 'Hello Emma! I'm here to see Professor Song' he grinned at her, thinking of his wife.

'Right… Do you have an appointment? Cos she's really pissed off this morning, so she'll probably throw something at you if you go in' the girl shrugged.

'Ahh, I'm used to it. I usually carry some sort of shield around when visiting your lovely team leader' the Doctor grinned at the girl again, trying to get a response. Her eyebrows leapt even higher.

'You know her? Are you like her toyboy or something? Does she like buy you out for the night sometimes? She's that sort of woman, isn't she? Cos she flirts with everyone here. Do you sleep with her? Is she the dominant one?'

'No!' the Doctor managed to penetrate steady flow of the girl's over-excited questions 'I'm her husband, actually. And what do you mean she flirts with everyone?' his grin was replaced with a slight frown but his question was drowned out by the girls shriek.

'Husband? No way! No WAY! _She_ has a husband? But you're like, 12! Does she have you completely whipped? Omigod, I cannot believe this!' the girl gave another excited shriek and the Doctor covered his ears but before he could get a word in edgeways, the girl was calling her co-workers over to come and inspect him.

Soon he was being barraged with extremely personal questions:

'What's she like in bed?'

'Does it bother you that she's like, seven times your age?'

'Does she go on top or do you?'

'I always thought that she was totally frigid, Miss Ice-Cubes?'

'What are you talking about, she tries to get off with practically every man she sees!'

'No she doesn't, it's these 51st century women, they flirt as a way of life!'

'Does she ever try to shoot you?'

'Is it cos of you she has that pair of handcuffs in her desk?'

The questions grew louder and louder and more and more until they all jumbled together and he only caught an odd word or two. Suddenly a door burst open and a familiar voice that he was incredibly thankful for thundered out

'What the hell is going on? I don't think I ordered an extremely loud orgy around my front desk so if you'd all care to get back to your jobs, I might consider letting you keep them- oh' River Song caught sight of the Doctor through the crowd of people gathered around him 'I might have known' she beckoned him sharply and gave a withering glare to all the people round about until they went back to their positions. She walked briskly into her office and he followed, timidly shutting the door behind him. There was a moment of slightly awkward silence while she stared at him.

'Hello' he finally said with a small smile, holding his arms out to her 'Hug?' for a minute, she just stared at him frostily before his hopeful smile melted her and she stepped into his embrace.

'Hello sweetie' she murmured softly into his neck as she rested her head on his shoulder 'Why do you always find a way to disrupt my life, hmm?' her tone was affectionate and he could tell that she was actually glad he had.

'Well, Professor River Song, he turned mine completely upside down, so I thought it was only fair I should return the favour' she could hear the smug grin in his voice and rolled her eyes but, try as she might, she couldn't keep the smile off her face.

'Idiot' River nuzzled gently into his neck, her hair falling in his eyes 'Why are you actually here?'

'I… missed you. I'm finding it incredibly difficult to stop thinking about you and your… personage' he ran his hands down her sides and the smug smile was on her face now.

'Oh is that right, my love?' he nodded, resting his hands on her hips and then sliding them round to cover her bum as she pressed her hips into his. He hissed slightly at the sensation, not having felt it for what was in his opinion, far too long.

River's smirk widened and she trailed a fingertip down his chest, lightly scratching him with her nail. His growl was low in his throat and got lost somewhere in her thick mane of hair.

'So, you flirt with every man who comes to the office, do you River?' his face was pulled back slightly now and though his tone was light and joking, she could sense some real jealousy in there. It made her smile become more genuine and she ran a hand through his hair, her face more tender.

'My darling, that's really not something you have to worry about. And I certainly don't do _this_ with any of them' suddenly, she pushed him back against the wall, leaving a trail of light kisses on his neck 'Tell me Doctor, have you ever made love to me on a desk before?'

_**Hope you liked it! The middle was a little iffy, I admit but apart from that, I think it was okay. Please review and I'll loan you Alex from my bed to have office sex with ;)**_


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